70 Reasons Remus Lupin is NOT a Pygmy Puff
by CubbyIsMyPatronus
Summary: Hestia Jones has been spreading some rumours around school, and Remus is going to set her straight.


**A/N: This story is dedicated to Luna, aka farmer99**

**Disclaimer: You should be GLAD that Harry Potter isn't mine.**

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January 12th, AD 1976

Dear Hestia Jones,

You are officially the strangest girl in our year. Even if Celyndia and Sybill Trelawney were in our year, you would be stranger.

Why?

Everybody knows I have a "furry little problem." In fact, when most ask, they assume it means I have a killer rabbit or something.

But not you. You, for some reason, think I'm a pygmy puff.

I've told you countless times, I'm a human, not a pygmy puff, but you won't listen.

But now, I have proof.

70 Reasons Why I, Remus John Lupin, am NOT a Pygmy Puff

1. Ask anyone and they'll tell you I'm a human. Well, except for Padfoot, who'll say I'm an evil homework-loving monster from the future.

2. And if pygmy puffs _were_ evil homework-loving monsters from the future, I think someone would notice.

3. Pygmy puffs can't even _do_ homework!

4. The fact that I can do homework, and do quite well on it, does not prove that pygmy puffs can do homework.

5. Or that pygmy puffs are evil homework-loving monsters from the future.

6. Or that someone is doing my homework for me.

7. I _own_ a pygmy puff! Her name is Zefronk.

8. No, Zefronk isn't my fraternal twin.

9. Or my older sister.

10. Or my younger sister.

11. Or my girlfriend.

12. Or my illegitimate daughter.

13. The fact that I almost wasn't accepted into Hogwarts does not prove that I am not a wizard.

14. And if it did, it certainly wouldn't prove that I am a pygmy puff.

15. How did you even know that I almost wasn't accepted into Hogwarts, anyway? Are you stalking me or something?

16. Most pygmy puffs have an adorable, cutesy, pet name.

17. Remus John Lupin is not an adorable, cutesy pet name.

18. No matter what a certain Marlene McKinnon seems to think.

19. The fact I said _most_ pygmy puffs does not prove anything.

20. Yes, Moony can be considered an adorable, cutesy pet name.

21. But it's a nickname, given to me by Padfoot one night in fourth year while we snuck out to Hogsmeade.

22. Not my real name.

23. As far as you know.

24. The scar on my face is NOT from the time the owner of the store I was bred in picked me up and handed me to my owner.

25. It's from when my killer rabbit decided to maul me.

26. No, the fact that rabbits are the sworn enemies of pygmy puffs does not prove anything.

27. Nor does the fact that I didn't deny being bred in a store or having an owner.

28. Well, I'm denying it now.

29. I have never once in my life felt the urge to sit perched on someone's shoulder all day.

30. Even if I wanted to, I'd be too big and probably crush the person I'm sitting on.

31. No, this is not from personal experience.

32. I don't date because I haven't been interested in anyone yet.

33. Not because I am against cross-species relationships.

34. I am, but that's not why.

35. Nor does this prove Zefronk is my girlfriend.

36. The fact that Padfoot and Prongs were carrying me around on a leash on Wednesday does not prove I am a pygmy puff.

37. Now I'm hitting my head on the wall because I just wrote the words _"I am a pygmy puff."_ See what you've done to me Jones?

38. Pygmy puffs don't even wear leashes.

39. And if they do, they certainly don't wear sparkly pink bejeweled leashes.

40. The reason my two idiot friends dragged me around on a leash is because they thought if they didn't I'd get eaten by the evil homework-loving monster.

41. Not because I'm a pygmy puff.

42. The leash isn't even mine. It's Padfoot's.

43. See, look on the side of it. It says Padfoot. Not Remus, not R. , not Moony, and especially not My First Pygmy Puff.

44. Why Padfoot needs a leash is none of your concern.

45. The fact that I bought Padfoot said sparkly, bejeweled, pink leash that is certainly NOT for a pygmy puff does not make it my leash.

46. I didn't take off the leash was because it's charmed so that whoever's wearing the leash can't get it off.

47. Not because I secretly liked it.

48. Or because it reminded me of home.

49. Just because Prongs was trying to sell me to various Gryffindors in the common room on Wednesday does not mean I'm a pygmy puff.

50. He was taking advantage of the fact I couldn't get the leash off.

51. The fact that several people decided to buy me, and Prongs let them, doesn't prove anything.

52. Pygmy puffs can't talk.

53. Or fly brooms.

54. Or walk normally.

55. Or eat chocolate.

56. Or do anything really, besides attack rabbits.

57. I can do all of those things.

58. And my killer rabbit is fine, thank-you very much.

59. Of course, I could really be a pygmy puff named Squishy, and everything you see of me is a sugar-induced hallucination.

60. No, don't take that last one Siriusly.

61. Did I really just write Siriusly? Oh Merlin, I'm turning into Padfoot!

62. Or Wormtail, if you look at it the right way.

63. Oh well, it was bound to happen.

64. I should've suspected something when I started pranking people by myself.

65. No, Hestia. You did NOT just read that last line. I am a Prefect, and I am thoroughly against pranks (despite the fact that my three best friends are the biggest pranksters in Hogwarts), and I'm insulted that you would even suggest such a thing!

67. Pygmy puffs are either pink or purple, and they are fluffy.

68. Do I look pink/purple and fluffy to you?

69. With the exception of that time in fourth year when Prongs turned me pink and fluffy as revenge for stopping him from hexing Snape.

70. I have a furry little problem, not a fluffy little problem.

Considering that you are convinced I'm a pygmy puff, I'm sure you might think I'm always fluffy and pink, even though I'm NOT.

So, in conclusion, I am NOT, nor will I ever be, a pygmy puff, and nothing that you say will prove otherwise.

Have a nice day.

Remus Lupin, aka Squishy the Pygmy Puff

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Hestia Jones stared at the letter in her hands. "Hey, does anyone else know how to deal with a pygmy puff suffering identity crisis?"


End file.
